23 December 2008

The Green Bible: An excerise in dishonesty

Have you seen "The Green Bible"? Well if not, you really should take a look. You won't find a more dishonest book anywhere.

It was published a few months ago and I recently found a copy in the public library. Its approach is simple: highlight in green all passages that provide God's instructions about caring for the environment.

I don't have time to go through all of the passages that are marked green in the Green Bible (there are over 1,000), so I thought I'd just pick one of the Bible's books and go through that. I chose Revelation.

There are 41 "green" passages in Revelation. Here they are.

  1. And from Jesus Christ, who is the faithful witness, and the first begotten of the dead, and the prince of the kings of the earth. Unto him that loved us, and washed us from our sins in his own blood. Revelation 1:5-7

    (Protect the environment by washing it in Jesus's blood.)

  2. He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches; To him that overcometh will I give to eat of the tree of life, which is in the midst of the paradise of God. 2:7

    (This was marked green since it has the word "tree" in it.)

  3. Because thou hast kept the word of my patience, I also will keep thee from the hour of temptation, which shall come upon all the world, to try them that dwell upon the earth. 3:10

    (God is going to tempt every living thing on earth -- except for Christians, of course. God likes Christians.)

  4. And when those beasts give glory and honour and thanks to him that sat on the throne, who liveth for ever and ever. 4:9

    (Beasts give glory, honor, and thanks to a God that sits around on a throne in heaven. But the beasts here are kind of special (see the preceding verse 4:8). They have six wings and are covered with eyes, and they sing continuously day and night: "Holy, holy, holy, LORD God Almighty, which was, and is, and is to come.")

  5. Thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created. 4:11

    (God created guinea worms, bot flies and parasitic wasps for his own pleasure. He likes to watch things suffer.)

  6. And I beheld, and, lo, in the midst of the throne and of the four beasts, and in the midst of the elders, stood a Lamb as it had been slain, having seven horns and seven eyes, which are the seven Spirits of God sent forth into all the earth. 5:6

    (There are 4 beasts and a dead lamb with 7 horns and 7 eyes which are really the 7 spirits of God that were sent down to earth for some reason. I'm sure there's an important environmental message from God here somewhere.)

  7. And every creature which is in heaven, and on the earth, and under the earth, and such as are in the sea, and all that are in them, heard I saying, Blessing, and honour, and glory, and power, be unto him that sitteth upon the throne, and unto the Lamb for ever and ever. 5:12-13

    (Animals spend all their time praying out loud in Hebrew, saying stuff like: "God you are so big...")

  8. And there went out another horse that was red: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another: and there was given unto him a great sword. 6:4

    (God will send an all-powerful red horse with a big sword to take peace from the earth by forcing people to kill each other.)

  9. And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth. 6:8

    (God will send an all-powerful pale horse that will kill one fourth of the human population with war, starvation, and predatory animals. Note: The Green Bible says it will be a "pale green horse." That's why this verse is marked green.)

  10. And the heaven departed as a scroll when it is rolled together; and every mountain and island were moved out of their places. 6:14

    (God rolled up the sky and moved islands and mountains around. Just for the heck of it, I guess.)

  11. I saw four angels standing on the four corners of the earth ... And I saw another angel ... and he cried with a loud voice to the four angels, to whom it was given to hurt the earth and the sea, Saying, Hurt not the earth, neither the sea, nor the trees, till we have sealed the servants of our God in their foreheads. 7:1-3

    (God assigned four angels to hurt the earth and the sea, but he tells them to wait until he has marked 144,000 male virgins. When he's done with the marking job, though, the angels can go ahead and hurt the earth and sea.

    This verse is one that Christians like to use to show God's loving concern for the environment. But the previous verse (7:2) makes it clear that it was the angels' God-given job to "hurt the earth and the sea" just as soon as they finished their forehead marking job.

    A friend of the family gave us a coffee cup that features this verse and the cute illustration shown below.)

  12. And all the angels stood round about the throne, and about the elders and the four beasts, and fell before the throne on their faces, and worshipped God, Saying, Amen: Blessing, and glory, and wisdom, and thanksgiving, and honour, and power, and might, be unto our God for ever and ever. Amen. 7:11-12

    (The angels, elders, and beasts all hang around the throne saying "Oh God, you are so big. So absolutely huge. Gosh, we're all really impressed up here, I can assure you..." for ever and ever.)

  13. They shall hunger no more, neither thirst any more; neither shall the sun light on them, nor any heat. The Lamb which is in the midst of the throne shall feed them, and shall lead them unto living fountains of waters: and God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes. 7:16-17

    (The 144,000 male virgins will be fed by a lamb, drink living water, and have their tears washed away by God.)

  14. And the angel took the censer, and filled it with fire of the altar, and cast it into the earth: and there were voices, and thunderings, and lightnings, and an earthquake. 8:5

    (An angel took some fire from the altar in heaven and threw it down to earth which caused loud voices, thunder, lightening and an earthquake.)

  15. The first angel sounded, and there followed hail and fire mingled with blood, and they were cast upon the earth: and the third part of trees was burnt up, and all green grass was burnt up. And the second angel sounded, and as it were a great mountain burning with fire was cast into the sea: and the third part of the sea became blood; And the third part of the creatures which were in the sea, and had life, died; and the third part of the ships were destroyed. And the third angel sounded, and there fell a great star from heaven, burning as it were a lamp, and it fell upon the third part of the rivers, and upon the fountains of waters. 8:7-10

    (The 1st angel causes hail, fire mixed with blood, and burned down 1/3 of the earth's trees. The 2nd angel burns up a mountain and casts it into the sea, making 1/3 of the sea blood and killing 1/3 of sea life. And the 3rd angel made a star fall from heaven that burned up 1/3 of the rivers.)

  16. And the fifth angel sounded, and I saw a star fall from heaven unto the earth: and to him was given the key of the bottomless pit ... And there came out of the smoke locusts upon the earth: and unto them was given power, as the scorpions of the earth have power. And it was commanded them that they should not hurt the grass of the earth, neither any green thing, neither any tree; but only those men which have not the seal of God in their foreheads. 9:1-4

    (The 5th angel causes a star to fall from heaven and is given the key to a bottomless pit with locusts and scorpions. But God tells the scorpions not to hurt trees or grass -- only people that don't have the proper seals on their foreheads.)

  17. And the angel which I saw stand upon the sea and upon the earth lifted up his hand to heaven, And sware by him that liveth for ever and ever, who created heaven, and the things that therein are, and the earth, and the things that therein are, and the sea, and the things which are therein, that there should be time no longer. 10:5-6

    (An angel stands on sea and land and says there will be no more time. Could this be God's way of warning us that time is running out for us to save the planet? Of course it could. This is the Bible; anything could mean anything or nothing at all.)

  18. These are the two olive trees, and the two candlesticks standing before the God of the earth. 11:4

    (There were these two olive trees and two candlesticks and they walked into a bar and said to the bartender...)

  19. And the seventh angel sounded; and there were great voices in heaven, saying, The kingdoms of this world are become the kingdoms of our Lord, and of his Christ; and he shall reign for ever and ever. 11:15

    (The 7th angel sounded, there were some voices in heaven, and Jesus will reign forever and ever. I wonder what environmental message God is trying to convey in this passage.)

  20. And the nations were angry, and thy wrath is come, and the time of the dead, that they should be judged, and that thou shouldest give reward unto thy servants the prophets, and to the saints, and them that fear thy name, small and great; and shouldest destroy them which destroy the earth. 11:18

    Is God going to "destroy them which destroy the earth." But I thought God told the angels to hurt the earth? Is God going to destroy himself?

  21. Woe to the inhabiters of the earth and of the sea! for the devil is come down unto you, having great wrath, because he knoweth that he hath but a short time. 12:12

    (The devil is going to hurt the inhabitants of the earth and sea. And God is going to ls going to just sit back and watch. God likes to watch.)

  22. And I saw one of his heads as it were wounded to death; and his deadly wound was healed: and all the world wondered after the beast. 13:3

    (The whole world wondered after the wounded beast. You know, the one that came out of the sea with ten horns and seven heads that looked like a leopard but with feet like a bear and a mouth like a lion. Yeah that one.)

  23. And I saw another angel fly in the midst of heaven, having the everlasting gospel to preach unto them that dwell on the earth, and to every nation, and kindred, and tongue, and people. 14:6

    (A flying angel preaches to the folks on earth, writing in smoke the words, "Surrender Dorothy.")

  24. And I looked, and behold a white cloud, and upon the cloud one sat like unto the Son of man, having on his head a golden crown, and in his hand a sharp sickle. 14:14

    (Jesus sits in a white cloud with a gold crown and a sharp sickle. Everyone that sees him wonders what the fuck is he doing with that sickle.)

  25. And I saw another sign in heaven, great and marvellous, seven angels having the seven last plagues; for in them is filled up the wrath of God. 15:1

    (A marvelous sign of God's wrath and concern for the environment: 7 angels with 7 plagues filled with the wrath of God.)

  26. And they sing the song of Moses the servant of God, and the song of the Lamb, saying, Great and marvellous are thy works, Lord God Almighty; just and true are thy ways, thou King of saints. Who shall not fear thee, O Lord, and glorify thy name? for thou only art holy. 15:3-4

    (Everybody in heaven sings the "song of the lamb" and says cool things like, "Oh God, you are so strong, and well, just so super...")

  27. And I heard a great voice out of the temple saying to the seven angels, Go your ways, and pour out the vials of the wrath of God upon the earth. 16:1

    (God tells the angels to destroy the environment by pouring out the wrath of God on the earth.)

  28. And every island fled away, and the mountains were not found. And there fell upon men a great hail out of heaven, every stone about the weight of a talent. 16:20-21

    (God destroyed the islands and mountains and huge hail fell from heaven that killed many people. He did this because he loves islands, mountains, and people so much!)

  29. And after these things I heard a great voice of much people in heaven, saying, Alleluia; Salvation, and glory, and honour, and power, unto the Lord our God: For true and righteous are his judgments: for he hath judged the great whore, which did corrupt the earth with her fornication, and hath avenged the blood of his servants at her hand. 19:1-2

    (God judged the great whore that corrupted the earth with her fornication.)

  30. And I saw the dead, small and great, stand before God; and the books were opened: and another book was opened, which is the book of life: and the dead were judged out of those things which were written in the books, according to their works. 20:12

    (Dead people will be judged by God.)

  31. And death and hell were cast into the lake of fire. This is the second death. And whosoever was not found written in the book of life was cast into the lake of fire. 20:14-15

    (God will throw most dead people into a lake of fire.)

  32. And I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away; and there was no more sea. 21:1-3

    (God will soon destroy the earth, both land and sea. He doesn't value them and neither should you.)

  33. And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful. 21:5

    (God is going to make all things new -- right after he gets done destroying everything!)

  34. The fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death. 21:6-8

    (God will burn some dead people forever.)

  35. And he carried me away in the spirit to a great and high mountain, and shewed me that great city, the holy Jerusalem, descending out of heaven from God, Having the glory of God: and her light was like unto a stone most precious, even like a jasper stone, clear as crystal. 21:10-11

    (An angel carried the author of Revelation to a high mountain to show him Jerusalem. It had really cool lights.)

  36. And the city had no need of the sun, neither of the moon, to shine in it: for the glory of God did lighten it, and the Lamb is the light thereof. 21:23-24

    (The new Jerusalem won't need the sun or moon, so you can trash the whole solar system if you feel like it.)

  37. And there shall in no wise enter into it any thing that defileth, neither whatsoever worketh abomination, or maketh a lie: but they which are written in the Lamb's book of life. 21:27

    (Only people whose names are written in the book of life will get into the heavenly city.)

  38. And he shewed me a pure river of water of life, clear as crystal, proceeding out of the throne of God and of the Lamb. In the midst of the street of it, and on either side of the river, was there the tree of life, which bare twelve manner of fruits, and yielded her fruit every month: and the leaves of the tree were for the healing of the nations. 22:1-2

    (In heaven there will be a tree that has 12 kinds of fruit with leaves that will heal nations. And there will be horses of different colors, singing munchkins, and a great and powerful wizard.)

  39. And there shall be no night there; and they need no candle, neither light of the sun; for the Lord God giveth them light: and they shall reign for ever and ever. 22:5

    (There will be no sun, night, or candles in heaven. Just God. All God, all the time.)

  40. Blessed are they that do his commandments, that they may have right to the tree of life, and may enter in through the gates into the city. 22:14

    (The "tree of life" is not a real tree. Real trees will all be destroyed by God along with everything else on earth.)

  41. And the Spirit and the bride say, Come. And let him that heareth say, Come. And let him that is athirst come. And whosoever will, let him take the water of life freely. 22:17

    (The spirit and the bride and everyone that hears says, "Come".)

  42. Okay. That's it. That's all the verses in Revelation that are marked green in the Green Bible. The question is why. Why were any of these verses marked green?

    Revelation, like the rest of the Bible, is clear: God doesn't give a damn about the environment. He gave power to angels to damage earth and sea (Revelation 7:2-3); sent angels to burn earth, trees and grass (8:7); burned mountains and threw them into the sea (8:8); turned one third of the sea into blood, killing one third of its wildlife (8:8-9); threw down a star from heaven to destroy one third of the rivers (8:10); killed "every living soul in the sea" (16:3); dried up the Euphrates river (16:12); destroyed islands and mountains (16:20); ; and he plans to soon destroy the entire earth and every living thing on it. (21:1).

    You'd have to be dishonest to mark anything green in the Bible. But that didn't stop the creators of the Green Bible.

10 November 2008

God on Trial: The Rabbi Speaks

Rabbi Akiba: Who led us out of Egypt?

Judge: God led us out of Egypt.

Rabbi: I have a question. Why were we in Egypt to start with?

Judge: There was a famine, so we took shelter.

Rabbi: Who sent the famine?

Judge: Well we don't know much about the famine...

Rabbi: God sent the famine. So God sent us to Egypt and God took us out of Egypt.

Judge: And later he sent us out of Babylon in order that we might...

Rabbi: And when he brought us out of Egypt, how did he do it? By words, vision, miracle?

Judge: Moses asked Pharaoh...

Rabbi: And when Pharaoh said no?

Inmate: The plagues.

Rabbi: First Moses turned the Egyptians' water to blood. Then God sent the plague of frogs; next a plague of mosquitoes; then a plague of flies. Then he slew their livestock. Next a plague of boils. Next came the hail, which battered down the crops and even the trees and structures everywhere, except in Goshen where the Israelites lived.

Judge: But still Pharaoh did not agree.

Rabbi: And so a plague of locusts, and then the days of darkness, and finally what?

Judge: God slew the firstborn of Egypt and led us out of Egypt.

Rabbi: He struck down the firstborn, from the firstborn and heir of Pharaoh to the firstborn of the slave at the mill. He slew them all. Did he slay Pharaoh?

Judge: No, I don't think so. It was later.

Rabbi: It was Pharaoh that said no, but God let him live. And slew his children instead. All the children. And then the people made their escape taking with them the gold and silver and jewelry and garments of the Egyptians. And then God drowned the soldiers who pursued them. He did not close the waters up so that the soldier could not follow. He waited until they were following and then he closed the waters. And then what?

Judge: And then the desert and ultimately the promised land.

Rabbi: No. The promised land was empty and a new place, uncultivated.

Judge: No. There were...

Rabbi: When the Lord thy God shall bring you into the promised land you shall cast out many nations before you, nations much greater and mightier than you are. You shall smite them and utterly destroy them. Make no covenant with them and show no mercy to them.

Inmate: It shows us his favor. We are his people.

Rabbi: And he gave us a king in Saul. Now when the people of Amalek fought Saul's people, what did the Lord God command? I'll ask the scholar.

Scholar: Crush Amalek and put him under the curse of destruction.

Rabbi: Was Saul to show any mercy to spare anyone?

Scholar: Do not spare...

Rabbi: Do not spare him, but kill. Kill man, woman, babe, and suckling, ox, and sheep, cattle and donkey. So Saul set out to do this and on the way he met some Kenites. Now these were not Amalek's people, he had no quarrel with them. He urged them to flee. And the Lord our God was he pleased by the mercy of Saul, by the justice of Saul?

Scholar: No. No he wasn't.

Rabbi: And when Saul decided not to slaughter all the livestock and to take it to feed his people, was God pleased with his prudence, his charity?

Scholar: No.

Rabbi: No, he was not. He said, you have rejected the word of Adonai, therefore he has rejected you as king. And then to please the Lord our God, Samuel brought forth the king Agar and hacked him to pieces before the Lord at Gilgar.

After Saul there came David who took Bathsheba the wife of Uriah the Hittite to himself after arranging to have Uriah killed -- against the wishes of God. Did God strike David for this?

Scholar: In a manner of speaking...

Rabbi: Did he strike Bathsheba?

Scholar: In the sense that when they had...

Rabbi: Adonai said, since you have sinned against me, the child will die. (Turning to the judge) You asked earlier, who would punish a child? God does.

Rabbi: Now did the child die suddenly, mercifully, without pain?

Scholar: In a...

Rabbi: Seven days. Seven days that child spent dying in pain while David wrapped himself in sack and ashes and fasted and sought to show his sorrow to God. Did God listen?

Scholar: The child died.

Rabbi: Did that child find that God was just?

Did the Amalekites think that Adonai was just?

Did the mothers of Egypt -- the mothers -- did they think that Adonai was just?

Scholar: But Adonai is our God, surely...

Rabbi: Oh, what? Did God not make the Egyptians? Did he not make their rivers and make their crops grow? If not him, then who? What? Some other God? But what did he make them for? To punish them? To starve, to frighten, to slaughter them? The people of Amalek, the people of Egypt, what was it like for them when Adonai turned against them? It was like this.

Today there was a selection, yes? When David defeated the Moabites, what did he do?

Judge: He made them lie on the ground in lines and he chose one to live and two to die.

Rabbi: We have become the Moabites. We are learning how it was for the Amalekites. They faced extinction at the hand of Adonai. They died for his purpose. They fell as we are falling. They were afraid as we are afraid. And what did they learn? They learned that Adonai, the Lord our God, our God, is not good. He is not good. He was not ever good. He was only on our side.

God is not good. At the beginning when he repented that he had made human beings and flooded the earth. Why? What had they done to deserve annihilation? What could they have done to deserve such wholesale slaughter? What could they have done that was so bad? God is not good.

When he asked Abraham to sacrifice his son, Abraham should have said no. We should have taught our God the justice that was in our hearts. We should have stood up to him. He is not good. He has simply been strong. He has simply been on our side.

When we were brought here, we were brought by train. A guard slapped my face. On their belts they had written "Got mit uns" -- God is with us. Who is to say that he is not? Perhaps he is. Is there any other explanation? What we see here: his power, his majesty, his might, all these things that turned against us. He is still God, but not our God. He has become our enemy.

That is what's happened to our covenant. He has made a new covenant with someone else.

God on Trial

Did you see "God on Trial" last night on PBS? If not, you can still watch it (sort of) online here. (Though if your computer is as slow as mine, the video can't keep up with the audio.)

I thought it was superb. Every aspect of the issue was fully developed and presented during the play. If anyone can find the script somewhere online, I'd love to have it. Otherwise I'll just have to transcribe portions of the trial myself so that I can present it here.

05 November 2008

The Seven Wonders of the Book of Mormon

OK, it's finally over. Sarah Palin has returned to Alaska and Barack Obama is our new president. I feel like a born again American.

So I'm in the mood for something completely different. How about something from the Book of Mormon?

Although you may have missed it, Donald Parry, a BYU professor, said at a recent Book of Mormon Lands Conference that the Book of Mormon is filled with "wonder upon wonder upon wonder." Here is his list of the seven wonders of the Book of Mormon.

But I think he left out the most wonderful wonders of all. Here is my list.

  1. The night before Jesus was born was as bright as day everywhere on earth.
    And it came to pass that ... the voice of the Lord came unto him, saying ... the time is at hand, and on this night shall the sign be given, and on the morrow come I into the world ... It came to pass that ... behold, at the going down of the sun there was no darkness ... when the night came. ... [A]ll the people upon the face of the whole earth from the west to the east, both in the land north and in the land south, were so exceedingly astonished that they fell to the earth. ... It came to pass that there was no darkness in all that night, but it was as light as though it was mid-day. It came to pass that the sun did rise in the morning again, according to its proper order; and they knew that it was the day that the Lord should be born, because of the sign which had been given. 3 Nephi 1:12-19
  2. For three days after Jesus died there was absolutely no light anywhere on earth -- not from the sun, moon, stars, candles, or campfires.
    This was prophesied in 6 BCE by a North American prophet. How amazing is that?
    And now it came to pass that Samuel, the Lamanite, did prophesy ... behold, as I said unto you concerning another sign, a sign of his death, behold, in that day that he shall suffer death the sun shall be darkened and refuse to give his light unto you; and also the moon and the stars; and there shall be no light upon the face of this land, even from the time that he shall suffer death, for the space of three days. Helaman 14:1, 20

    And then in 34 CE it happened just like it was supposed to!

    And the people began to look with great earnestness for the sign which had been given by the prophet Samuel, the Lamanite, yea, for the time that there should be darkness for the space of three days over the face of the land ... ... It came to pass that there was thick darkness upon all the face of the land.... And there could be no light, because of the darkness, neither candles, neither torches; neither could there be fire kindled ... And there was not any light seen, neither fire, nor glimmer, neither the sun, nor the moon, nor the stars. 3 Nephi 8:3, 20-22
  3. When Jesus died, the entire earth was deformed. Cities sunk into the sea and the inhabitants were drowned. Other cities were burned or destroyed by earthquakes. Highways were broken up and many people were carried away by whirlwinds.
    And now it came to pass that Samuel, the Lamanite, did prophesy ... But behold, as I said unto you concerning another sign, a sign of his death ... And behold, there shall be great tempests, and there shall be many mountains laid low, like unto a valley, and there shall be many places which are now called valleys which shall become mountains, whose height is great. ... And many highways shall be broken up, and many cities shall become desolate. Helaman 14:1, 20, 23-25
    And there was also a great and terrible tempest; and there was terrible thunder, insomuch that it did shake the whole earth as if it was about to divide asunder ... And the city of Zarahemla did take fire. And the city of Moroni did sink into the depths of the sea, and the inhabitants thereof were drowned. And the earth was carried up upon the city of Moronihah that in the place of the city there became a great mountain. ... And many great and notable cities were sunk, and many were burned, and many were shaken till the buildings thereof had fallen to the earth, and the inhabitants thereof were slain, and the places were left desolate. ... And thus the face of the whole earth became deformed, because of the tempests, and the thunderings, and the lightnings, and the quaking of the earth. 3 Nephi 8:6-17
  4. A voice from the sky was heard by every person on earth. (It was the voice of Jesus bragging about burning and drowning entire cities.)
    It came to pass that there was a voice heard among all the inhabitants of the earth, upon all the face of this land, crying: Wo, wo, wo unto this people; wo unto the inhabitants of the whole earth except they shall repent; for the devil laugheth, and his angels rejoice, because of the slain of the fair sons and daughters of my people; ... Behold, that great city Zarahemla have I burned with fire, and the inhabitants thereof. And behold, that great city Moroni have I caused to be sunk in the depths of the sea, and the inhabitants thereof to be drowned. that great city Moronihah have I covered with earth, and the inhabitants thereof ... And behold, the city of Gilgal have I caused to be sunk, and the inhabitants thereof to be buried up in the depths of the earth; Yea, and the city of Onihah and the inhabitants thereof, and the city of Mocum and the inhabitants thereof, and the city of Jerusalem and the inhabitants thereof; and waters have I caused to come up in the stead thereof, ... And behold, the city of Gadiandi, and the city of Gadiomnah, and the city of Jacob, and the city of Gimgimno, all these have I caused to be sunk, and made hills and valleys in the places thereof; and the inhabitants thereof have I buried up in the depths of the earth ... And behold, that great city Jacobugath, which was inhabited by the people of king Jacob, have I caused to be burned with fire ... And behold, the city of Laman, and the city of Josh, and the city of Gad, and the city of Kishkumen, have I caused to be burned with fire, and the inhabitants thereof ... And many great destructions have I caused to come upon this land, and upon this people ... Behold, I am Jesus Christ the Son of God.... 3 Nephi 9:1-15

    (See 3 Nephi 10:3-6 and 11:3-51 for two other long speeches that Jesus delivered with his sky voice.)

  5. God darkens people's skin to punish them for being evil and to separate them from the good (white) people.
    And he had caused the cursing to come upon them, yea, even a sore cursing, because of their iniquity ... wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them. And thus saith the Lord God: I will cause that they shall be loathsome unto thy people. 2 Nephi 5:21-22
  6. God sometimes makes especially well-behaved dark-skinned people white and delightsome again!
    It came to pass that those Lamanites who had united with the Nephites were numbered among the Nephites; And their curse was taken from them, and their skin became white like unto the Nephites; And their young men and their daughters became exceedingly fair, and they were numbered among the Nephites. 3 Nephi 2:14-16
  7. Jesus made the already white skin of the Nephites ever whiter so that they became as white as he was, whiter than anything else on earth.
    It came to pass that Jesus blessed them as they did pray unto him; and his countenance did smile upon them, and the light of his countenance did shine upon them, and behold they were as white as the countenance and also the garments of Jesus; and behold the whiteness thereof did exceed all the whiteness, yea, even there could be nothing upon earth so white as the whiteness thereof ... And when Jesus had spoken these words he came again unto his disciples ... and behold they were white, even as Jesus. 3 Nephi 19:25-30

23 October 2008

What the Bible says about Sarah Palin's new clothes

Everyone's talking about Sarah's new clothes. But what does the Bible say about them?

Well, here is what the Old Testament says:

"Thou shalt not wear a garment of divers sorts, as of woollen and linen together. Deuteronomy 22:11

I will punish ... all such as are clothed with strange apparel. Zephaniah 1:8

I don't know whether Sarah's clothes were made of blended fabrics or if God considers them strange. Someone should check into that.

But the big problem comes from the New Testament. Here's what it has to say:

Women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with braided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array. 1 Timothy 2:9

Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel. 1 Peter 3:3

So costly apparel is out -- for women, anyway. I think even God might consider $150,000 costly.

And lastly we should ask, what would Jesus wear?

And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ... Therefore take no thought, saying, ... Wherewithal shall we be clothed? Matthew 6:28-32

So if Sarah cares about what Jesus said, she should either wear anything -- or nothing at all. Just like the lilies.

22 October 2008

Why should you pray for Sarah Palin?

All you prayer warriors out there want to know, I betcha.

Well, PrayForSarahPalin.com has the answer for ya.

In Ephesians 6:14-18, the apostle Paul warns: A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God's armor so you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against might powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. Therefore, put on every piece of God's armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will be standing firm.

OK, now you should understand. (Even though they got the verse numbers wrong. It's Ephesians 6:10-13).

You should pray because you are fighting on God's side and God is on Sarah Palin's side. Barck Obama is "of the devil". He and Joe Biden are not "flesh-and-blood enemies" but rather "evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world" and "mighty powers" of the "dark (black) world." They are allied with "evil spirits" in high places (like Washington and New York). This is the final battle "in the time of evil." You must "stand firm" by voting for Sarah Palin (and old what's his name).

Sarah feels the power of the prayer warriors

I can feel the power of prayer, and that strength that is provided through our prayer warriors across this nation.

That was Sarah Palin in a Focus on the Family interview with James Dobson. You can listen to it here.

If you want to be one of Sarah Palin's prayer warriors, you can go to PrayForSarahPalin.com and sign up. They are tying to get at least one Palin prayer warrior in each zipcode. (So far they have 3665! Yipee! But since there are a total of about 43,000, they still have a way to go. God will need more than 8.5% of the zip codes represented for him to intervene by rigging the election.)

You'd think that Focus on the Family would have learned by now. Remember when they prayed for God to send rain on Obama's acceptance speech?

Nothing fails like prayer.

21 October 2008

The Bible's guide to abortion

I don't know how I missed this before, but I did. There is a biblical way of having an abortion. A method that is not only approved by God, it was invented by him. He describes it himself in the book of Numbers (5:11-31).

It's a bit long and complicated, so I'll break it up for you.

And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying ... If any man's wife go aside, and commit a trespass against him, And a man lie with her carnally, and it be hid from the eyes of her husband, and be kept close, and she be defiled, and there be no witness against her, neither she be taken with the manner; Numbers 5:11-13

The first thing to notice is the context. This procedure is only intended for married couples, specifically for any man that suspects that his wife has been messing around. No proof is necessary; suspicion alone is sufficient to God.

Then shall the man bring his wife unto the priest, and he shall bring her offering for her, the tenth part of an ephah of barley meal; he shall pour no oil upon it, nor put frankincense thereon ... And the priest shall take holy water in an earthen vessel; and of the dust that is in the floor of the tabernacle the priest shall take, and put it into the water ... And the priest shall set the woman before the LORD ... and the priest shall have in his hand the bitter water that causeth the curse.... (5:15-18)

OK, I am leaving some of the details out here, so if you're going to try this at home, make sure to follow God's instructions exactly. There's no guarantee any of this will work otherwise.

And the priest shall charge her by an oath, and say unto the woman, If no man have lain with thee, and if thou hast not gone aside to uncleanness with another instead of thy husband, be thou free from this bitter water that causeth the curse: But if thou hast gone aside to another instead of thy husband, and if thou be defiled, and some man have lain with thee beside thine husband: Then the priest shall charge the woman with an oath of cursing, and the priest shall say unto the woman, The LORD make thee a curse and an oath among thy people, when the LORD doth make thy thigh to rot, and thy belly to swell; And this water that causeth the curse shall go into thy bowels, to make thy belly to swell, and thy thigh to rot: And the woman shall say, Amen, amen. 5:19-22

This is the part that fooled me. I get the idea that if the woman has been unfaithful, then the magic bitter water will do something awful to her. But I wasn't sure just what. What does it mean to have your belly swell and your thigh rot? But then I saw the footnote in the NIV that said it meant this: "cause you to be barren and have a miscarrying womb."

So if the woman is guilty (had sex with someone besides her husband), then the bitter water will make her unable to have children in the future. And if she is pregnant at the time, it will abort the pregnancy.

And when he hath made her to drink the water, then it shall come to pass, that, if she be defiled, and have done trespass against her husband, that the water that causeth the curse shall enter into her, and become bitter, and her belly shall swell, and her thigh shall rot: and the woman shall be a curse among her people. And if the woman be not defiled, but be clean; then she shall be free, and shall conceive seed. This is the law of jealousies, when a wife goeth aside to another instead of her husband, and is defiled; Or when the spirit of jealousy cometh upon him, and he be jealous over his wife, and shall set the woman before the LORD, and the priest shall execute upon her all this law. Then shall the man be guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall bear her iniquity.5:27-31

It's all part of God's wondrous Law of Jealousies. God's magical abortion procedure. A priest, some bitter water, and a wife that you think might have been unfaithful. Priceless. So if God has his own abortion procedure, abortion can't be wrong, right?

05 October 2008

Hey Sarah: God hates winkers

Don't you just hate it when Sarah Palin winks? Me too.

And so does the God of the Bible.
(Every time Sarah Palin winks, God kills a kitten. -- Lola-Cola)

Here's what the Bible says about it:

A naughty person, a wicked man [or woman], walketh with a froward mouth. He winketh with his eyes ... he deviseth mischief continually; he soweth discord. Therefore shall his calamity come suddenly; suddenly shall he be broken without remedy. Proverbs 6:12-15

He [or she] that winketh with the eye causeth sorrow: but a prating fool shall fall. Proverbs 10:10

Is that a prophecy? You Betcha! Sarah Palin is a winking fool that causes sorrow and discord wherever she goes.

So hopefully, she and McCain will fall on November 4 -- in fulfillment of the Bible's prophecy.

25 September 2008

The Palin-McCain Economic Plan: The wealth of the wicked is stored up for the righteous

Here's a quote from Thomas Muthee, Sarah Palin's witch-hunting spiritual guide.

The second area that God wants to penetrate in our society is the economic area. The Bible says that the wealth of the wicked is stored up for the righteous [Proverbs 13:22]. It is high time that we have top Christian business men, business women, bankers ... running the economic affairs of our nation. That's what we are waiting for. That's part and parcel of the transformation.

So that's why Sarah Palin supports the 700 billion dollar bailout! It takes money from the wicked and gives it to all those righteous Christian bankers, just like it says we should do in Proverbs. It is all part of God's plan.

Here's the video. (The quoted portion begins at 1:20. If you watch to the end you can see Muthee free Sarah Palin of witchcraft.)

22 September 2008

Sarah Palin's Bible-based rape kit

Poor Sarah is in trouble again. This time for charging rape victims up to $1000 for rape kits while she was mayor of Wasilla.

But people should just leave Sarah Palin alone. She was only trying to faithfully apply the Bible's laws on rape. And that's not easy to do in a small town like Wasilla.

You see, the Bible has two laws on rape: one for city rape

If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her; Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city. -- Deuteronomy 22:23-24

and one for country rape.

But if a man find a betrothed damsel in the field, and the man force her, and lie with her: then the man only that lay with her shall die. ... For he found her in the field, and the betrothed damsel cried, and there was none to save her. -- Deuteronomy 22:25-27

But which law applies in Wasilla, which is neither city nor country? What do you do with a rape victim in a small town with small town values? Stone her to death for not crying out loudly enough or force her to marry her rapist?

In either case, Sarah Palin's Bible-based rape kit is more likely to include stones or wedding certificates than free medical examinations.

18 September 2008

The Bible and Islam agree: God hates mice (That includes you, Mickey!)

You've probably heard the news about Mickey Mouse: He's a soldier of Satan that should be killed on sight. Or so said Sheikh Muhammad Munajid, and he should know. I'll let him tell you about it.

So I couldn't help myself. I had to look in the Quran to see what it had to say about mice.

And do you know what I found? Nothing. Nada. The Quran doesn't mention mice. (Although the Hadith does. See here and here.)

But the Bible does. And it agrees with the Sheikh about them.

First of all mice are unclean to God (so they should be to you, too).

These also shall be unclean unto you among the creeping things that creep upon the earth; the weasel, and the mouse.... Leviticus 11:29

It's true, of course, that many animals are unclean to God. But God is especially disgusted by mice. Here's what he said about them in Isaiah.

For, behold, the LORD will come with fire, and with his chariots like a whirlwind, to render his anger with fury, and his rebuke with flames of fire. For by fire and by his sword will the LORD plead with all flesh: and the slain of the LORD shall be many. They that sanctify themselves, and purify themselves in the gardens behind one tree in the midst, eating swine's flesh, and the abomination, and the mouse, shall be consumed together, saith the LORD. Isaiah 66:15-17

So mice and pigs are just about the most disgusting things God can think of. And he's got quite an imagination.

You remember the story about the five golden hemorrhoids, don't you? Well the same story includes five golden mice. No kidding.

What shall be the trespass offering which we shall return to him? They answered, Five golden emerods, and five golden mice ... Wherefore ye shall make images of your emerods, and images of your mice.
And they laid the ark of the LORD upon the cart, and the coffer with the mice of gold and the images of their emerods.
And these are the golden emerods which the Philistines returned for a trespass offering unto the LORD ... And the golden mice.... 1 Samuel 6:4-18

God told the Philistines to make golden images of his least favorite things: hemorrhoids and mice. You see it was kind of a divine joke. It was really funny to God. (Laugh or he'll give you a disease that will make your bowels fall out.)

Clearly then, God hates mice just as much as Allah, Muhammad, and the Sheikh do.

So you Bible believers should stop laughing at the Muslims and proudly join the Fatwah against Mickey. (Or God may have to give you hemorrhoids in your secret parts.)

16 September 2008

The only book Mariah Carey has ever read . . .

... is the Bible.

And here is one of her favorite verses. (From the song "I wish you well")

Judgments are prepared for scorners, and stripes for the back of fools. Proverbs 19:29

Has she come out for McCain and Palin yet?
(Maybe she'd let them use "I'll be lovin' U long time" as their theme song.)

12 September 2008

Victoria Jackson: Vote for John McCain and Sarah Palin or God will force you to eat your children

The (batshit crazy) celebrities are starting to line up for John McCain, now that Sarah Palin has joined the ticket. Here, for example, is what Victoria Jackson (former SNL cast member) says on her home page:
Thank you God above for giving us George W. Bush, and for giving us John McCain and Sarah Palin.

Why am I voting for the fantastic McCain/Palin ticket? Simply because my "world view" is based on the belief that The Bible is the inerrant, holy, Word of God....

You see, Obama just isn't Christian enough for Victoria Jackson. Here's her advice for him:
Obama, call me. I'll explain Christianity to you.

Maybe you'll get saved and start loving unborn babies.

Maybe, but probably not, since he looks a lot like the Anti-Christ.
I don't want a political label, but Obama bears traits that resemble the anti- Christ...
But the part I like best is when she explains Leviticus to us.
I was reading the other day in Leviticus 26:3-13, and Leviticus 26:14-25 and on, where God was warning the Israelites to obey him. In Lev. 26:14-16 it even says, "...if you despise my statutes...I will even appoint terror over you." I couldn't help but see a parallel to our country which was founded on the God of Abraham, Issac and Jacob.
See what Obama could learn by calling Ms. Jackson? Terrorists are just God's way of punishing us for not loving him enough. It's all spelled out in Leviticus 26.
But if ye will not hearken unto me, and will not do all these commandments; And if ye shall despise my statutes, or if your soul abhor my judgments, so that ye will not do all my commandments, but that ye break my covenant: I also will do this unto you; I will even appoint over you terror, consumption, and the burning ague, that shall consume the eyes, and cause sorrow of heart: and ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it. Leviticus 26:14-16

Listen up, America! If you don't elect John McCain and Sarah Palin, God will "appoint terror" over you and feed your children to the terrorists. (And if wasn't for George Bush keeping your sorry ass safe the last 7 years, your eyes would be rotting in their sockets and some Muslim would be chewing on your kid right now.)

But that's not the worst of it. As Victoria notes on her homepage, God's plans in Leviticus 26 go on and on and on. Elect McCain and Palin or:

  1. Ye shall be slain before your enemies. Leviticus 26:17

  2. They that hate you shall reign over you. 26:17

  3. I will punish you seven times more for your sins. 26:18

  4. I will bring seven times more plagues upon you according to your sins. 26:21

  5. I will also send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children. 26:22

  6. Then ... I... will punish you yet seven times for your sins. (That makes 24 or so, I've lost count. Ask Victoria.) 26:24

  7. And I will bring a sword upon you. 26:25

  8. I will send the pestilence among you. 26:25

  9. Ye shall be delivered into the hand of the enemy. 26:25

  10. And when I have broken the staff of your bread, ten women shall bake your bread in one oven, and they shall deliver you your bread again by weight: and ye shall eat, and not be satisfied. (I'm not sure what this means. But it sounds serious.) 26:26

  11. I will walk contrary unto you also in fury; and I, even I, will chastise you seven times for your sins. (That makes 35, I think.) 26:26

  12. And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat. 26:27

So for the sake of your children, elect John McCain and Sarah Palin. Otherwise God will force you to eat them (your chldren, that is, not John and Sarah).

10 September 2008

I guess I'm famous now

Yup, Yup. (And I'm also totally ready to be president.)

To be honest, I'd never heard of Nontheist Nexus before -- before they asked me for an interview, anyway.

Last year it was Playboy, now this. Just like Sarah Palin, I'm definitely going up in the world.

09 September 2008

Unfortunately, Barack, they are that stupid

Most of them, anyway -- and that's all it takes to win an election.

How stupid are Americans, you ask? Well, more than half believe in the literal truth of a book they've never read -- the Bible. It's their favorite book.

I think Sarah Palin will clinch the election for McCain. She's good looking and she believes stupid things. What more could a stupid person ask for?

07 September 2008

Sarah Palin: A modern day Esther gone wild

Soon after becoming the governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin asked her former pastor (Paul Riley of the Wasilla Assembly of God) to suggest a woman from the Bible that she should emulate. Pastor Riley suggested Esther, and the governor took his advice and hasn't looked back since.

Of course there aren't many good examples for women in the Bible. Women are seldom mentioned, and when they are they are seldom named, and when they're named they seldom do anything except have men come in unto them, after which they get pregnant and deliver baby boys, unless God has closed up their wombs for one reason or another.

But the good pastor chose Esther and it's spooky how much Palin resembles her.

(OK, the hair is a little different and Esther didn't wear glasses, but otherwise it's a match.)

And the similarity goes way beyond looks. Here's the story of the biblical Esther.

King Ahasuerus throws a party and encourages his guests to drink to excess. Then, when they are all drunk, he orders Queen Vashti to show her stuff before him and his guests. Esther 1:7-11

Vashti refuses to entertain the king's drunken guests by dancing before them. For this she is no longer to be queen, to be replaced by someone better (prettier). 1:12-19

Because of Vashti's disobedience, the king decrees that "all the wives shall give to their husbands honor, both the great and the small" and "that every man should bear rule over his own house." 1:20-22

So "all the fair young virgins" throughout the kingdom are brought before the king, and the one that "pleaseth" the king the most will replace Vashti. 2:2-4

When it was Esther turn to "go in unto the king," she pleases him the most. So, having won the sex contest, she is made queen in Vashti's place. 2:8-17

Now I ask you, what does that story remind you of? Of course! The Republican National Convention in St. Paul.

John McCain was king and Sarah Palin was Esther. But who was Vashti, the real heroine of the story?

Rudy Giuliani, perhaps?

Nah, Rudy would have gladly danced naked if John McCain had just asked. (He was certainly willing to lie for him.)

For a more serious and thorough analysis of the Palin/Esther connection, see here.

30 August 2008

Bible-based Platforms for Republicans and Democrats

Since both parties are trying so hard to satisfy Bible-believing Christians, I thought I'd suggest a few bible verses to inspire them.

[I know I'm a little late, since the platforms are already available online (Republican, Democratic), but what the heck.]

Economic Policies

R: For whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath. Matthew 13:12

The wealth of the wicked is stored up for the righteous. Proverbs 13:22 (Thomas Muthee translation)

D: Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy. Proverbs 31:8-9 (NIV)

The Environment

R: The heavens shall pass away with a great noise, and the elements shall melt with fervent heat, the earth also and the works that are therein shall be burned up. 2 Peter 3:10
(So Sarah Palin is right: Global warming isn't man-made; it's God-made.)

D: And thou shalt have a paddle upon thy weapon; and it shall be, when thou wilt ease thyself abroad, thou shalt dig therewith, and shalt turn back and cover that which cometh from thee: For the LORD thy God walketh in the midst of thy camp... Deuteronomy 23:13-14
(Clean up your own shit. You don't want God to step in it, do you?)

Health Care

R:Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord: And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up. James 5:14-15
(See Faith-based medicine for Republicans)

D: But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had compassion on him, And went to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and wine, and set him on his own beast, and brought him to an inn, and took care of him. And on the morrow when he departed, he took out two pence, and gave them to the host, and said unto him, Take care of him; and whatsoever thou spendest more, when I come again, I will repay thee. ... Then said Jesus ... Go, and do thou likewise. Luke 10:33-37


R: If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:13

D: He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone... John 8:7


R: Yea, though they bring forth, yet will I slay even the beloved fruit of their womb. Hosea 9:16

D: If men strive, and hurt a woman with child, so that her fruit depart from her, and yet no mischief follow: he shall be surely punished, according as the woman's husband will lay upon him; and he shall pay as the judges determine. Exodus 21:22

National Defense and Security

R: Beat your plowshares into swords and your pruninghooks into spears. Joel 3:10

D: ...they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruninghooks: nation shall not lift up a sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more. Micah 4:3

29 August 2008

Would it be wrong to pray for diarrhea?

Well, not according to the Bible, anyway. Here, for example, is a prayer from the Psalms.

Because that he remembered not to shew mercy, but persecuted the poor and needy man, that he might even slay the broken in heart. As he loved cursing, so let it come unto him: as he delighted not in blessing, so let it be far from him. As he clothed himself with cursing like as with his garment, so let it come into his bowels like water, and like oil into his bones. Psalm 109:16-18

But the Bible-god not only curses bowels, he also, on occasion, messes with them so much that they completely fall out.

Thou shalt have great sickness by disease of thy bowels, until thy bowels fall out. 2 Chronicles 21:15

So praying for diarrhea has a solid Biblical basis. And though the following video is just making fun of Focus on the Family's (failed) prayer for rain on Obama's acceptance speech, it might be worth a try.

Focus on the Family proves again that nothing fails like prayer

So Samuel called unto the LORD; and the LORD sent thunder and rain that day. 1 Samuel 12:18

And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive. Matthew 21:22

Jesus said that believers will get whatever they ask for in prayer. And the Old Testament prophet, Samuel, made it rain just by praying. So why were the prayers of thousands of believers unanswered? Why didn't it rain on Obama's acceptance speech?

Because, as everyone who has ever tried it knows, nothing fails like prayer.

28 August 2008

Whose face do you see on the moth?

Isn't it great? Jesus has returned again -- this time on the back of a moth in east Texas.

But I'm not so sure that it really is Jesus. I mean, aren't those horns on the top of his head? And what about those long, goat-like ears and beard? It looks more like Jesus' little brother Satan to me.

I may be wrong, but I think the species of moth that God selected for Jesus' (or Satan's) image is Eacles imperialis, the imperial moth. It's common in the southern United States and is known for its variable dorsal markings.

But take a look at this one (from Butterflies and Moths of North America). Who do you see on its back?

Now that is not Jesus, folks. It's either Satan or Muhammad -- without fingerprints they're hard to tell apart. (And what are those pigs doing on each side of his head?)

20 August 2008

Quranet -- Let's pretend the Quran is a good book
(Hey, it works for the Bible, doesn't it?)

One of the 60 projects selected by the Israeli Presidential Conference to honor Israel's 60th year of independence is called Quranet, from which (according to the Israeli Ministry of Foreign Affairs) "every person in the world can find a Quranic answer to his/her educational question."

Here's how it will work. The user will ask a question (or select one from a list) and Quranet will show the answer from the Quran. Here is the question and answer from their SWF demonstration.

Question: What happens when we repay evil with good?

Answer: . . . the one who used to be your enemy, may become your best friend. (Sura Fussilat ayat 34

Well, it worked well for that question, didn't it? See what a great book the Quran is?

But what if someone asks these "educational questions"?

Question: What does the Quran say about Jews?

Answer: They are wretched, selfish, greedy, hateful, evil, treacherous, losers, blind, deaf, perverse, ugly, and have devils for friends. (But other than that they're OK.)
(Quran 2:61, 96; 5:12-13, 53, 59, 70-71; 7:27, 30; 9:30; 62:5)

Question: What will happen to Jews that refuse to convert to Islam?

Answer: They will be cursed by Allah, their faces will be disfigured, their hearts hardened, they will be turned into apes and pigs, and burn forever in hell.
(Quran 2:65-66; 4:47, 160-1; 5:12, 53, 60; 7:166-7; 9:34)

Question: Should Muslims be friends with Jews?

Answer: Absolutely not. If you have any Jewish friends, Allah will consider you one of them. (And you know what happens to them!)
(Quran 3:28, 118; 4:89, 144; 5:51, 55, 57, 80; 9:23; 58:14-15, 22; 60:1, 9)

Question: How should Jews be treated?

Answer: They should be fought and terrorized until they either are killed (with their heads and fingers chopped off) or forced to into submission.
(Quran 2:191-2; 4:89; 8:12-13; 9:5)

But questions like these will not be asked or answered at Quranet, which was designed to hide, rather than reveal, the true nature of the Quran. By selecting only from the good stuff in the Quran, Quranet will try (as the demo says) to "transform the Quran into a modern and useful educational tool" that "creates a bridge between the Islamic world and the West" while revealing "the beauty of the Quran and its respect for human dignity."

It's dishonest, of course. But then it's hard to honest when you're just pretending.

08 August 2008

Things on which the Bible and Quran agree

In previous posts I've mentioned a few things that the Bible and Quran agree on. But I thought it might be useful to make a list and include them all here. I'll start with ones that I've previously mentioned and go from there. Let me know what I've missed and I'll add them to the list. (To keep it short, I'll just include links to previous posts and to the verses from the Bible and Quran.)
  1. A woman is worth half as much as a man.

    Bible Leviticus 27:3-7
    Quran 4:11, 4:176, 2:282

  2. Stay away from menstruating women.

    Bible Ezekiel 18:5, Leviticus 15:19-30, 18:19, 20:18
    Quran 2:222

  3. Women must cover their heads and dress modestly.

    Bible 1 Corinthians 11:3-10, 1 Timothy 2:9
    Quran 24:31, 33:59

  4. Insects have four legs.

    Bible Leviticus 11:22-23
    Quran 24:45

  5. God and Satan force non-believers to disbelieve.

    Bible 2 Thessalonians 2:11-12, John 12:40, 2 Corinthians 4:3-4
    Quran 2:6-7, 6:25, 15:39-43, 7:16-18, 17:97-98, 18:57

  6. Disbelievers should be killed.

    Bible Deuteronomy 13:6-15
    Quran 2:191, 4:89, 4:91, 9:5

  7. Disbelievers will burn forever in hell.

    Bible John 3:18, 36, Mark 9:43-8, Matthew 25:41, Luke 16:22-24, 2 Thessalonians 1:8-9, Revelation 14:10-11, 20:10
    Quran 9:73, 66:9

  8. Don't make friends with disbelievers.

    Bible 2 Corinthians 6:14-17
    Quran 3:28, 4:89, 4:144, 5:51, 60:1, 13

  9. Lot was a just and righteous man.

    Bible 2 Peter 2:7-8
    Quran 7:80-3, 21:71-5, 27:54-7, 29:26-7, 66:10

  10. God is the creator of evil.

    Bible Isaiah 45:7, Amos 3:6
    Quran 113:1-2

27 July 2008

Things that are easy for Allah

Some things are especially easy for Allah. Here's Allah's easy list from the Quran.

Making disbelievers' efforts fruitless.

Such have not believed. Therefore Allah maketh their deeds fruitless. And that is easy for Allah. 33:19

Leading disbelievers down the road to hell.

Lo! those who disbelieve and deal in wrong, Allah will never forgive them, neither will He guide them unto a road, Except the road of hell, wherein they will abide for ever. And that is ever easy for Allah. 4:168-9

Casting people into the Fire.

We shall cast him into Fire, and that is ever easy for Allah. 4:30

Doubly punishing Muhammad's wives for lewdness.

O ye wives of the Prophet! Whosoever of you committeth manifest lewdness, the punishment for her will be doubled, and that is easy for Allah. 33:30

12 July 2008

Kafir girl blogs the Quran (so I don't have to)

I know I've been ignoring the Quran lately, and I feel bad about that.

I've often thought I should just start at the beginning and blog my way through the whole damned thing. But it's such a dreadful book, I just can't make myself do it. But now I don't have to. Kafir girl is doing it for me. (And she's doing a better job than I ever could!)

Now if only the atheist girls would blog the Bible and Book of Mormon...

11 July 2008

Holding the Holy Host Hostage

For those who haven't heard the whole story, you can read all about it at PZ's blog. But the short story is this: Webster Cook, a student at the University of Central Florida, went to mass to receive the Eucharist, but rather than consummating the communion by swallowing, he took the host out of his mouth and walked off with it. A clear case of Communion Interruptus. Holy Fucking Host, Batman!

Of course something like that doesn't happen without Bill Donohue and the Catholic League finding out about it. (They have video cameras in every Catholic church that League volunteers monitor continuously.) And when they did, all hell broke loose.

Which gives me an idea. Why don't we all go and do likewise? Go to mass, receive communion, and take the Holy Host home as a hostage. (It's easy to do nowadays. You can receive communion in your hand now standing up, rather than on the tongue while kneeling.) Every time we do that we'll be saving Jesus from being eaten alive by his followers (and a kitten from being killed by God).

Of course, I don't know what we can do with all the spare Jesuses. But I guess we could send them to PZ and let him deal with them.

02 July 2008

Is there anything the God of the Bible could do that a believer wouldn't call good?

I recently asked the question, "Is it wrong to burn people to death?", and although there was a lot of discussion about it in the comments, there was no clear answer from any believer. The best (and pretty much only) answer seemed to be that yes, it is wrong to burn people to death today, but it wasn't wrong back in the day when God told people to do it and did it himself on occasion. You see, back then there were no laws against it and it was an accepted form of punishment. God was just doing and telling others to do what everyone else was doing. What could be wrong with that?

It reminded me of the "answer" given by John Yoo when asked by John Conyers if there was anything the president could not order to be done to a suspect if it was necessary for national defense. When Mr. Yoo refused to answer, Conyers asked, "Could the president order a suspect to be buried alive?" Of course that question wasn't answered either.

So it got me thinking. Is there anything that the God of the Bible could do that a believer wouldn't call good? Could he, for example:

  1. Bury people alive?
    Korah, Dathan, and Abiram ... came out, and stood in the door of their tents, and their wives, and their sons, and their little children. And Moses said, Hereby ye shall know that the LORD hath sent me .... If these men die the common death of all men ... then the LORD hath not sent me. But if the LORD make ... the earth open her mouth, and swallow them up, with all that appertain unto them, and they go down quick into the pit; then ye shall understand that these men have provoked the LORD. And it came to pass ... that ... the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up.... They, and all that appertained to them, went down alive into the pit, and the earth closed upon them: and they perished from among the congregation. And all Israel that were round about them fled at the cry of them: for they said, Lest the earth swallow us up also. Numbers 16:27-34
  2. Burn people to death?
    And there came out a fire from the LORD, and consumed the two hundred and fifty men that offered incense. Numbers 16:35 (See here for more examples.)
  3. Burn people forever after they die (but keep them alive to torture them)?
    The same shall drink of the wine of the wrath of God ...he shall be tormented with fire and brimstone ... And the smoke of their torment ascendeth up for ever and ever. Revelation 14:10-11
  4. Force parents to eat their children and friends to eat each other?
    And I will cause them to eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and they shall eat every one the flesh of his friend. Jeremiah 19:9
  5. Force people to kill their brothers and eat themselves?
    Through the wrath of the LORD of hosts ... no man shall spare his brother. And he shall snatch on the right hand, and be hungry; and he shall eat on the left hand, and they shall not be satisfied: they shall eat every man the flesh of his own arm. Isaiah 9:19-20
  6. Force people to cut off their noses and women to pluck off their breasts?
    And I will set my jealousy against thee, and they shall deal furiously with thee: they shall take away thy nose and thine ears. ... Thou shalt even drink it and suck it out, and thou shalt ... pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord GOD. Ezekiel 23:25-37
  7. Kill a newborn baby to punish its parents?
    Because by this deed thou hast given great occasion to the enemies of the LORD to blaspheme, the child also that is born unto thee shall surely die. 2 Samuel 12:14
  8. Dash little children to pieces and rip up pregnant women?
    Samaria shall become desolate; for she hath rebelled against her God: they shall fall by the sword: their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up. Hosea 13:16
  9. Cause birth defects and spread dung on peoples' faces?
    Behold, I will corrupt your seed and spread dung upon your faces. Malachi 2:3
  10. Order a woman's hand to be cut off "without pity" for touching a man's genitals?
    When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets: Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her. Deuteronomy 25:11-12

Of course, this is just a sample of what God has done. See here for a more extensive list of biblical cruelties.

Are all of these things good just because God did them? Just like whatever Bush does is legal because he is president?

If there a sane, moral Christian out there, I'd love to hear your response.

28 June 2008

The Scripture Project: Volunteer Editors Needed

There's something new at the SAB that I want to tell you about.

I've decided to donate the material at the site to Sam Harris' Reason Project. The SAB will still be around, of course, but there will also be a new site, called "The Scripture Project", that will be a collaborative, wiki-style website that will start with the material from the SAB and go from there. I don't know where "there" will be, but it should take it far beyond what one person can do alone.

Which is where you folks come in. The Scripture project needs help in importing and editing material from the SAB. To help out, all you have to do is to go here to sign up.

24 June 2008

The tokens of virginity: Muslims, honor killings, and the book of Deuteronomy

Where do Muslims get their fruitcake ideas about sex and marriage? Take this recent news story for example.
The annulment of a young Muslim couple’s marriage because the bride was not a virgin has caused anger in France, prompting President Sarkozy’s party to call for a change in the law.

The decision by a court in Lille was condemned by the Government, media, feminists and civil rights organisations after it was reported in a legal journal on Thursday. Patrick Devedjian, leader of the ruling Union for a Popular Movement, said it was unacceptable that the law could be used for religious reasons to repudiate a bride. It must be modified “to put an end to this extremely disturbing situation”, he said.

The case, which had previously gone unreported, involved an engineer in his 30s, named as Mr X, who married Ms Y, a student nurse in her 20s, in 2006. The wedding night party was still under way at the family’s home in Roubaix when the groom came down from the bedroom complaining that his bride was not a virgin. He could not display the blood-stained sheet that is traditionally exhibited as proof of the bride’s “purity”.

Is there something about bloody sheets in the Quran? No, for shit like that you have to go to the Bible.

If any man take a wife, and go in unto her, and hate her, And give occasions of speech against her, and bring up an evil name upon her, and say, I took this woman, and when I came to her, I found her not a maid: Then shall the father of the damsel, and her mother, take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity unto the elders of the city in the gate: And the damsel's father shall say unto the elders, I gave my daughter unto this man to wife, and he hateth her; And, lo, he hath given occasions of speech against her, saying, I found not thy daughter a maid; and yet these are the tokens of my daughter's virginity. And they shall spread the cloth before the elders of the city. And the elders of that city shall take that man and chastise him; And they shall amerce him in an hundred shekels of silver, and give them unto the father of the damsel, because he hath brought up an evil name upon a virgin of Israel: and she shall be his wife; he may not put her away all his days. But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father's house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you. Deuteronomy 22:13-21

So the groom was just obeying God. Well, almost anyway. According to the Bible, he shouldn't have just had the wedding annulled; he and the men of the city should have stoned his bride to death at the door of her father's house because she had disgraced him, her family and her community. It's a matter of honor -- an honor killing required by the Bible.

As long as these verses remain in the Bible, no Bible believer can complain about Muslim honor killings. The Muslims are just doing what the Bible God commands.

And there couldn't be anything wrong with that, now could there?